I went to tour my daughter’s future school today, and I had this irrational fear that everyone thought the couple touring with me were my parents.
Because I look like this:
At first, this was a little upsetting because Dave Coulier follows me on Twitter, which basically gives me a free pass to wear your underwear on my head (You might want to cut the tags. They itch). But then I thought, “Ericka, stop getting so upset and go dunk your head in some bleach.” And after a good scrubbing, I realized I don’t have to change shit for anybody.
I’m me. Deal with it.
And then I got to thinking how some people actually want to like like they’re roughly 7 1/2 years-old, so I thought I’d be generous and give you a few of my favorite skin care tips.
Because I want to go to heaven. (Haha, but no, really, I’m not a fan of the heat.)
SKIN CARE THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU CAN DO THE MONKEY BARS AT THE PARK BUT ONLY IF YOUR FATHER HOLDS YOU UP AT THE WAIST AND WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH HE MAKES THAT “IT’S OKAY FACE” BUT REALLY IT ISN’T BUT YOU DON’T EVEN CARE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO STAY AN ONLY CHILD FOREVER
So I used to pay a shit ton for products because I have a vagina and that’s what science/TV tells me to do, but here recently I found out that I can still look embryo-esque even when switching to natural products. Below is my nightly skin care routine (not listed: rubbing my face against a well-trained cat; memorizing rock climbing lingo so I can impress strangers on crowded buses…it’s good for the pores) :
- Every morning and evening I wash my face with Trader Joe’s Nourish All-In-One Facial Cleanser mixed with a little baking soda (to exfoliate). I haven’t tried eating it yet but it probably tastes delicious.
- I then use a mixture of three parts water and one part apple cider vinegar that I put on a cotton pad and rub all over my face while writing hip new pop songs. I really think I have something with, “This Is A Bra? I Thought It Was Earmuffs. No I Won’t Lower My Voice!”
- Next, is the rosehip oil, or as I call it “Screw you Jenna Makowski! Sure I got my period in front of the entire sixth grade class and you pointed and laughed out loud but my therapist says I turned out just fine!” cream. Apparently, Miranda Kerr uses it and I don’t know who that is but her last name starts with a “K so she’s probably stunning. Seriously, this stuff makes me look almost six y’all.
- After I slather on the rosehip oil, I then put on some coconut oil because you can’t have enough coconut oil. Or tampons.
- Finally, I use a mixture of coconut oil and vitamin E for my under eye area. This stuff is like crack. If crack didn’t break up families. And was smeared on my face.
There you go! Face products that don’t cost a trillion dollars and may even get you adopted on a crowded bus! Carabiners and tampons for everyone!
What are your skin care tips? If you don’t mention cats or tampons once, we can still be friends, but I’ll probably talk about you behind your back.