How to Look Like a Seven-Year-Old

I went to tour my daughter’s future school today, and I had this irrational fear that everyone thought the couple touring with me were my parents.

Because I look like this:

Hi, I'm Ericka, and I'm old enough to raise a child. SCARINESSSSS!!!!!
We’re in the same class! Oh wait, no. I’m her mother. Oops.

At first, this was a little upsetting because Dave Coulier follows me on Twitter, which basically gives me a free pass to wear your underwear on my head (You might want to cut the tags.  They itch).  But then I thought, “Ericka, stop getting so upset and go dunk your head in some bleach.”  And after a good scrubbing, I realized I don’t have to change shit for anybody.

I’m me.  Deal with it.

And then I got to thinking how some people actually want to like like they’re roughly 7 1/2 years-old, so I thought I’d be generous and give you a few of my favorite skin care tips.

Because I want to go to heaven.  (Haha, but no, really, I’m not a fan of the heat.)

SKIN CARE THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU CAN DO THE MONKEY BARS AT THE PARK BUT ONLY IF YOUR FATHER HOLDS YOU UP AT THE WAIST AND WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH HE MAKES THAT “IT’S OKAY FACE” BUT REALLY IT ISN’T BUT YOU DON’T EVEN CARE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO STAY AN ONLY CHILD FOREVER

So I used to pay a shit ton for products because I have a vagina and that’s what science/TV tells me to do, but here recently I found out that I can still look embryo-esque even when switching to natural products.  Below is my nightly skin care routine (not listed: rubbing my face against a well-trained cat; memorizing rock climbing lingo so I can impress strangers on crowded buses…it’s good for the pores) :

  1. Every morning and evening I wash my face with Trader Joe’s Nourish All-In-One Facial Cleanser mixed with a little baking soda (to exfoliate). I haven’t tried eating it yet but it probably tastes delicious.
  2. I then use a mixture of three parts water and one part apple cider vinegar that I put on a cotton pad and rub all over my face while writing hip new pop songs.  I really think I have something with, “This Is A Bra? I Thought It Was Earmuffs. No I Won’t Lower My Voice!”
  3.  Next, is the rosehip oil, or as I call it “Screw you Jenna Makowski! Sure I got my period in front of the entire sixth grade class and you pointed and laughed out loud but my therapist says I turned out just fine!” cream.  Apparently, Miranda Kerr uses it and I don’t know who that is but her last name starts with a “K so she’s probably stunning.  Seriously, this stuff makes me look almost six y’all.
  4. After I slather on the rosehip oil, I then put on some coconut oil because you can’t have enough coconut oil.  Or tampons.
  5. Finally, I use a mixture of coconut oil and vitamin E for my under eye area. This stuff is like crack. If crack didn’t break up families. And was smeared on my face.

There you go!  Face products that don’t cost a trillion dollars and may even get you adopted on a crowded bus!  Carabiners and tampons for everyone!   

What are your skin care tips? If you don’t mention cats or tampons once, we can still be friends, but I’ll probably talk about you behind your back.

 

TIPSY LIT: We want YOU. The real you.

Ericka Clay:

It’s me! It’s me!

Originally posted on My Sweet Delirium:

Tipsy Lit My Sweet Delirium Lg

“Tipsy Lit is an online publisher that encourages writers to dig into “the deeper” and leave the bullshit at the door. We don’t want the warm and fuzzies. We want the heartbreaking, the brutally beautiful, the grit and grime that leave us wanting more, more, more. We want YOU. The real you. The person you tuck away when you meet someone new for the first time. The person you’re only now discovering.”

I’m thrilled to have Ericka Clay, founder and editor of Tipsy Lit on My Sweet Delirium.

I first noticed Tipsy Lit on Twitter. When I visited the website I found a community of gutsy writers who shared my love of adult beverages and ballsy literature. Within the year, Tipsy Lit has evolved from a cool blog hangout into an online magazine and publisher. And Ericka Clay is here to tell us all about it.

Ericka, when did…

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Come on Down to Crazy Town!

Ericka Clay:

I won’t stop. Nothing can make me. Not even France.

Originally posted on TIPSY LIT:

I’d like to formally apologize to Oprah.  And the country of France.

And this is going to be a regular thing again.  Just look at the sidebar on the left where there’s a  “Videos” tab in the menu bar.  Let’s all be mad at my mother together.

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Get Published!

Ericka Clay:

I am a robot. True story.

Originally posted on Filling My Prayer Closet:

I can’t remember how I met Ericka Clay in this land of blogging and my own personal journey to write, but it’s been a ride – and through her I’ve met a slew of other writers, bloggers and cats (she travels with them virtually). She never ceases to amaze me with her hilarity on social media, not to mention being a published novelist. I had to pin her down and ask about her latest transformation – publishing. A mother and wife as well, asking for any little bit of time was a tall order and I knew it. I did it anyway. Expect anything less? Let’s see what I found out:

Ok, so Tipsy Lit has gone through many changes recently. Was this planned? Or did you find something shimmery beneath your feet and EUREKA! You’re publishing? Share.

I definitely wanted Tipsy Lit to be in the publishing space, but I really wasn’t sure…

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Are you on Wattpad?

Ericka Clay:

Tipsy Lit will be accepting FULL length book submissions starting January 1st!

Originally posted on TIPSY LIT:

You guys, sometimes I get so excited that this happens:

(Fortunately, Tom Seymore was around to film it!  Thanks, Tom!)

And right now I’m upchucking all the glitter in the world for this AMAZING ANNOUNCEMENT:

Starting January 1, 2015, Tipsy Lit will now officially be known as an INDIE PUBLISHER that cuts the bullshit!
We will be publishing a quarterly anthology solely through Wattpad, and will be seeking both poetry and short story submissions for the anthology.
We’ll also be accepting full length book manuscripts for poetry, short stories and novels/novellas that we’ll also publish through Wattpad.
Tipsy Lit Wattpad
Click and follow us on Wattpad to watch me vomit even more glitter. Delicious!

So why Wattpad?  

Wattpad is a social media platform where authors (and publishers) can publish amazing works of poetry and fiction and readers can visually imbibe their words FOR FREE!

We want to help you publish…

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He Still Won’t Stop Talking

matt clay
This shirt is the representation of the things his mouth says. Just horrible.

Long, long ago in a village far, far away where the local inhabitants wore nothing but yoga pants and prank called their former algebra teacher who once said “math is necessary,” there was a writer named Ericka who punished her husband for saying that she “maybe shouldn’t drive on the sidewalks” and “probably should wear clothes to church” by posting all the other horrifying things he said on the Internet.

You can find those horrifying things here and here.

You’d think said husband would “maybe stop talking, please, seriously, Matt, stop talking, and could you hold this cat while I get more Cheetos?  Don’t worry about where I got the glitter!  Mr. Cattypants likes it!!” but alas, he has not.

Here’s proof:

  • “I chiseled a baby spoon out of wood when I was six months old.”
  • “I am rich in puppy.”
  • “I should suspend your vent privileges.”
  • “I’m about to get wild, and I’m all like, ‘Matt, stop.  That’s too fucking wild.'”
  • “I just hurt my neck with my exaggerated head and eye movements.”
  • “I choose grammar over everyone.”
  • “After this, can you remind me to eat an egg roll and check the mail?”
  • “You have a wonderful hairline.”
  • “I’d risk my life to build a treehouse.”
  • “You know what’s funny?  You’re not a police officer, and you don’t know the definition of ‘cop sexy.'”
  • “A Lincoln Town Car limousine?  Those were simpler times.”
  • “Dennis Quaid is still wide smiling his way around America.”
  • Me: What’s the name of the Ryan Phillippe movie you like?  Matt: Which one?”
  • “I’m sorry, it’s just that I find water’s affinity for itself in glasses interesting.”
  • (His take on papaya) “Nasty.  Disgusting.  I’m going to put it down your shirt.”

Maybe one day he’ll grow up and be a mature adult like me.

Oh God.  Our poor child.

How to Parent a Child

dog in a sombrero
See, Mr. McFluffycakes? This is how you pull of a sombrero you non-sombrero wearing son-of-a-bitch!!

Listen, I know I’m really great at a lot of things like wearing shirts and making my neighbor’s dog feel inferior because he can’t walk on two feet like me, a very smart human being (You hear that, Mr. McFluffycakes?  Huh?  You hear that?  I’m the smart one you sickeningly adorable son of a bitch!), but what I’m really great at is parenting.

Parenting is by far the best thing I’ve ever done because 1) I’ve never lost my child.

So there’s that.

But there’s also the fact that she’s developing into a very not scary person proven by the hilarious non-scary things she says.  Usually in public:

  • “Let’s pretend we’re all at a wedding and don’t know each other. Hi! I’m Tilly, I’m six, and I live alone.”
  • Me: How was the Humane Society presentation at school?  Ava: Well, the dog didn’t have any eyes and the cat died so they brought us a bag of fur to pet.
  • “It smells like eyeballs and helicopters in here.”
  • Ava: Maybe my new friend can be my boyfriend.  Me: Aren’t you a little young to have a boyfriend?  Ava: Don’t judge me!!
  • Me: Ava, guess what! We sold the house!  Ava: I know. I made a few emails on my iPad so you’re welcome.
  • Me: What are you doing?  Ava: Watching a video about Dropbox. It’s relaxing.
  • Me: Why is it you never listen?  Ava (with wide “innocent” eyes): Well, because I’m a little girl and little girls just don’t know how to listen.
  • Me: How did gym camp go?  Ava (laughing): Great! Told some guy I was twenty-five!
  • Me: It’s time to take your bath.  Ava: Okay, give me just one second.  Me: Nope, it’s time now.   Ava (in her best first grade teacher tone): Remember when we talked about patience?
  • “I’m in charge of the world.”
  • Ava: What are these?  Me: Onions.   Ava: Oh, I’m so sorry, but my doctor says I can’t have these.
  • Ava: Want to play Oprah and Gayle?  Me: Sure.  Ava: I’m Oprah.  Me: Okay, hi Oprah.  Ava: Get out of my office Gayle!!
  • Me: Why are you acting like a crazy person?  Ava: Because Jesus made me this way!!!

See?  Parenting isn’t hard.  You just have to be willing to dress up like the best friend of a multi-billionaire and be screamed at from time to time.

And in the end, just realize Jesus made them that way, so really, it’s all his fault.

October’s Short Story Contest

Ericka Clay:

Fellow writers, it’s flash fiction time!

Originally posted on TIPSY LIT:

Tipsy Flash Fiction Contest
Are you playing? Then grab this badge, place it on your blog’s sidebar and link to this post!

You’ve got a story in you, right?  Somewhere, deep down, there’s something you want said, but more importantly, there’s something that you want READ.

Well?  Here’s your chance.

Every month Tipsy Lit is hosting a flash fiction contest on our blog.  You have every day in the month (except the very last one!) to enter the contest.  The last day, the winner will be announced and their story will be published on our STORY BLOG.

The only stipulation?  Your story can’t be any longer than 500 words.  Flash fiction baby!

HOW TO ENTER

Entering is uber easy – you don’t even need a blog!  Hell, you don’t even need to leave this post!  Simply write your ENTIRE story (plus the title) in a comment below.  The story can be…

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Things Ericka Does When She’s Tired. Case in Point, This Post.

Unkept by Ericka Clay
Photo credit: BillBadzo on Flickr
http://bit.ly/1vudsLJ 
Design Credit: Ericka Clay

 

Okay, see I have this problem where my brain works a million miles per second so one moment I’m happily typing along on White Smoke, and then it hits me – time to update Unkept’s cover for the millionth time! So I’ve come up with said schmancy fancy new cover that you can see here.

You like?  Seriously, tell me what you think in a comment below, and I’ll send you a lock of my hair from the sixth grade when Billy Hutcherson said I had alien eyes.

It was a fabulous year.

What the Frick is Ello?

There’s a new social media site in town called Ello and it’s the anti-facebook so you already know I lurve it.  It’s a great place for writers to share their drafts and post pictures of their dogs in sombreros.

Go friend me over there, and let’s be scared together.

Everybody Get Tipsy

Tipsy Lit Magazine Oh what’s this? Just a brand new poetry magazine I started at Tipsy Lit because I have a knack for creating labor intensive jobs for myself that pay absolutely nothing. BAM! IN YOUR FACE! Oh my God, are you okay? I really didn’t mean to get carried away like that.

Our first issue went live today, and we’d love to have you submit poetry for October’s issue.  You can even submit your short stories for our story blog.

We’re kinda snazzy like that.  Oh and don’t forget to subscribe to Tipsy Lit to get a free copy of our magazine in our inbox.  Because I want you to subscribe to things until your fingers fall off.

Bloggity Bloggity Bloggity…I give up on titles

If you’re anything like me, you just misread “titles” as “titties” and laughed for seven minutes.  So if you ARE like me, be sure to sign up on my subscription page to receive updates about my latest novel, signed book giveaways, and the nursing home I’ve chosen for my grandmother.  Hahahaha, hi, Grandma!

I’m really tired and I have no more coffee.  Sigh.

Also, I have a new poetry blog AND I’m thinking of blogging here again and being funny every once in awhile.  Imagine that.  In fact, I have a new list of 21 things my husband has said and it will burn your retinas.  Literally burn them.

 

Goodbye, you guys.  I’m gonna go sleep with my eyes opened now.

Read Tipsy Lit Issue #1!

Ericka Clay:

Our first issue is out!!! #tipsylitmagazine #poetry

Originally posted on TIPSY LIT:

Our very first issue is hot off the presses and ready to be consumed by literary lovers like yourselves! Click on the cover below to get reading or click this link: http://bit.ly/IssueNumber1

Tipsy Lit Magazine

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