How to Parent a Child

dog in a sombrero
See, Mr. McFluffycakes? This is how you pull of a sombrero you non-sombrero wearing son-of-a-bitch!!

Listen, I know I’m really great at a lot of things like wearing shirts and making my neighbor’s dog feel inferior because he can’t walk on two feet like me, a very smart human being (You hear that, Mr. McFluffycakes?  Huh?  You hear that?  I’m the smart one you sickeningly adorable son of a bitch!), but what I’m really great at is parenting.

Parenting is by far the best thing I’ve ever done because 1) I’ve never lost my child.

So there’s that.

But there’s also the fact that she’s developing into a very not scary person proven by the hilarious non-scary things she says.  Usually in public:

  • “Let’s pretend we’re all at a wedding and don’t know each other. Hi! I’m Tilly, I’m six, and I live alone.”
  • Me: How was the Humane Society presentation at school?  Ava: Well, the dog didn’t have any eyes and the cat died so they brought us a bag of fur to pet.
  • “It smells like eyeballs and helicopters in here.”
  • Ava: Maybe my new friend can be my boyfriend.  Me: Aren’t you a little young to have a boyfriend?  Ava: Don’t judge me!!
  • Me: Ava, guess what! We sold the house!  Ava: I know. I made a few emails on my iPad so you’re welcome.
  • Me: What are you doing?  Ava: Watching a video about Dropbox. It’s relaxing.
  • Me: Why is it you never listen?  Ava (with wide “innocent” eyes): Well, because I’m a little girl and little girls just don’t know how to listen.
  • Me: How did gym camp go?  Ava (laughing): Great! Told some guy I was twenty-five!
  • Me: It’s time to take your bath.  Ava: Okay, give me just one second.  Me: Nope, it’s time now.   Ava (in her best first grade teacher tone): Remember when we talked about patience?
  • “I’m in charge of the world.”
  • Ava: What are these?  Me: Onions.   Ava: Oh, I’m so sorry, but my doctor says I can’t have these.
  • Ava: Want to play Oprah and Gayle?  Me: Sure.  Ava: I’m Oprah.  Me: Okay, hi Oprah.  Ava: Get out of my office Gayle!!
  • Me: Why are you acting like a crazy person?  Ava: Because Jesus made me this way!!!

See?  Parenting isn’t hard.  You just have to be willing to dress up like the best friend of a multi-billionaire and be screamed at from time to time.

And in the end, just realize Jesus made them that way, so really, it’s all his fault.

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25 Comments Add yours

  1. maheshdan says:

    Parenting is hard to describe in some words. Some tips will guide them how to behave with thier child. You posted here nice conversation.

    Mostly child learn from your behavior, from your activities so always careful when you are with your little one.

    Because they always follow you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Grandma says:

    That’s my Ava..She is a very smart one..Love Manga/grandma

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      She certainly is. Love you too, Grandma!

      Like

  3. Miss C says:

    Ah, I absolutely love this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      Thanks, Miss C. I knew raising children would be a tough job, but I didn’t know it would be like living in a sitcom. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Jessica Sita says:

    I will start making my signs for Ava’s candidacy now. Lots of glitter.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. “Remember when we talked about patience?”… Remember when I didn’t kill you for talking back to me???

    Liked by 2 people

  6. lyndzeerae27 says:

    Oh my gosh this is by far the most adorable thing I’ve read in quite some time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      Thank you! I keep a running list of the things she says. I also do that with her father. They’re two peas in a pod, those two.

      Like

  7. Ericka Clay says:

    Reblogged this on TIPSY LIT and commented:

    Let us be the Gayle to your Oprah.

    Like

  8. wendykarasin says:

    Love it, and I feel the same way about parenting, only mine are fully grown and on their own. Mostly. I would love a recap of the conversation between you and Ava when she hits her teens. HINT: It will try your patience and your sanity big time! Until then…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      Oh gosh, I don’t even want to know what the teen years will be like, especially with this one!

      Like

      1. wendykarasin says:

        Trust me, the teen years are crazy with any of them! My younger brothers, one with teens and one about to have some, keep me on speed dial!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. author says:

    I am an animal person. There are few little people that can charm me the way that most animals can but your little girl has me by the heart strings. Thanks and please give us more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      Haha, thank you! I’m not a kid person either (I’m adopt fourteen dogs and a gerbil on a whim kind of person), but fortunately, mine is pretty spectacular.

      Like

      1. author says:

        I would expect nothing less of your offspring 🙂

        Like

      2. Ericka Clay says:

        Haha, I’m just fortunate she hasn’t inherited writer’s block yet. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow, she is a SMART little fireball!

    Like

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      Smart, terrifying. To-MAY-to, to-Mah-to. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Shauna841505 says:

    Ava is hilarious. More more more please!!!!!

    Like

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      There shall be more! And thank you. 🙂

      Like

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