The Life of a Writer

The Life of a Writer
Is it legal to put crack in a coffee cup? I’m asking for a friend.

I used to watch other people get published and then tweet the living crap about it on Twitter, and then I’d think God, I want to be them.

Because somewhere in my damaged brain, I had already reconciled with the fact that they were no longer human beings but gods of the universe who were given trained aliens on their publication date and these aliens would cook, clean, do the laundry, massage their feet and DVR Property Brothers for them while they were free to pleasantly market their new book.

But then I’ve suddenly become one of these gods of the universe, and as hard as I’ve searched for my aliens, the only thing I’ve found is a chewed up Lego and a tiny piece of bacon covered in dog hair.

Seriously. who cleans this place?

Instead of basking in the beautifully neon glow of an extraterrestrial, this is my godforsaken schedule on any given day:

  1. Wake up. Wonder why they canceled Who’s The Boss for fifteen minutes and then turn off my alarm. With my fists.
  2. Put on clothes. Or my bath towel from the night before and my “I Got Crabs at Joe’s Crabshack” baseball cap. No one will notice.
  3. Receive a tiny flying shoe in the face while walking down the hallway. Remember I have offspring.
  4. Make offspring breakfast. Kids like bran, right? Right.
  5. Listen to twenty minutes worth of screaming. Realize it’s coming out of my mouth.
  6. Step in poop. Remember I have dogs.
  7. Put on my make up, or as I like to call it, “You were sixteen once…hahaha!” Then cry for seven minutes.
  8. Watch a performance consisting of show tunes and random bouts of jazz hands. Remember I have a husband.
  9. Take offspring to school. Make friends on the highway with my horn.
  10. Try to trick the other parents at child’s school into believing I’m a tiny gnome from the future. Pretend not to be concerned when they believe me.
  11. Go home.
  12. Stare at computer.
  13. Push buttons.
  14. Prank call my grandmother.
  15. Do the dishes and berate them for being dirty.
  16. Pet the clothes in the laundry basket and say things to them like “If only you had legs and didn’t live here.”
  17. Pick up child from school. Avoid glances from the school psychologist.
  18. Go home and play game with child where I have no idea what I’m doing. Name it “life.”
  19. Make dinner with my  mind.
  20. Put child to bed with a kiss and an interpretive dance based on my latest manuscript.
  21. Stare at husband’s head in that cute way I do.
  22. Sleep with eyes open.

You guys, I’m tired, I’m cranky and I’m flat out of aliens. But I’m working my ass off so my book will be READ.

Forget sales, forget curling up into Oprah’s lap while she pats my head (I’m just kidding. I could never forget something like that.), forget being what I think a published author SHOULD be.

I’m here to give you words, to change your mind, to free your heart. And I pray to God/Tony Danza, that I’ve done you justice.

Now if you don’t mind, there’s a head that needs staring at.

 

Unkept by Ericka Clay

 

Look at what I did! Now you can pre-order the Kindle version of my novel, Unkept, here: http://amzn.com/B00SM090XI All the proceeds will go towards glittering cats. You have my word.

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20 Comments Add yours

  1. Ericka Clay says:

    Reblogged this on TIPSY LIT and commented:

    There is no such thing as aliens. I’ve checked.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. nursekelly says:

    Hi Erica – Just love this post! I can so relate after starting a blog. Feel like, “Oh no what have I done?” sometimes. I think #19 was the one that resonated the most with me – always have good intentions in my head, but that’s where they stay – makes for a hungry family, no? Congratulations on your book – I’ll check it out 🙂

    Like

  3. Carol says:

    Glittering cats! Don’t tell my sister Ethel!!!

    Like

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      So you’re saying Ethel has some cats that need to be glittered…noted! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Carol says:

        My sister Ethel IS a cat that would LOVE to be glittered! She thinks she’s the as-of-yet undiscovered feline Barbara Streisand.

        Like

  4. Lol you crack me up.. I don’t think I could cope with offspring on top of everything – kudos.

    Like

  5. AJ Mayfield says:

    When I tell people I’m a writer, they usually say, “Oh, what do you write?” When I tell them it’s mostly poetry and some stories, but that I’m deep into my first (only?) novel, they give me that look, like they know who they can ask the next time they need furniture moved, or help stuffing envelopes (that actually happened a couple of weeks ago), because “He’s not doing anything.” I pre-ordered “UnKempt” yesterday, btw 😝

    Liked by 1 person

  6. J. S. Bailey says:

    My house is usually a mess, and now that I’m a published author I have a decent excuse for it. 😉

    Like

  7. Dina Honour says:

    Ericka, I just finally finished a manuscript that was 20 years in the making. Ok, 19 of those were procrastinated, but still. I feel like I just birthed a child. And yet, I fear, that was the easy part. The work I have ahead of me? I get tired just thinking about it. Good luck to you and looking forward to reading Unkept.

    Like

  8. rossmurray1 says:

    That link didn’t work for me. Is it a comic novel? ‘Cause maybe I clicked it funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ericka Clay says:

      Hi, Ross! Thanks for letting me know. I fixed it and you can access it here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SM090XI/ref=cm_sw_su_dp

      Like

  9. Dana says:

    Congrats! I can’t wait til I can write a list like this 🙂 Love it by the way, especially #16

    Like

  10. M E Cheshier says:

    Great write-up! 🙂

    Like

  11. Don’t forget to breath in there too!
    Gratz on being published – it is indeed something us mere mortals breathlessly aspire to (even if you spilled the beans on the lack of house-cleaning aliens. Damn, I was really counting on those too!)

    Like

  12. Cracked me up all sorts! We’d like to read a revised list after Oprah pats your head too.

    Like

  13. Katie Cross says:

    I peed a little. Okay, a lot.

    Like

  14. Pete Buckley says:

    Great post Ericka – can I add spending half a day putting away randomly arranged toys just so the kids can get them all out again?

    Like

  15. Loving this post! Putting a smile on my face. Published? Now what? That’s the thing. Love your writing style and you should be published!

    Like

  16. hayleywardd says:

    Love this – well done! Some people are just all talk but you’ve gone out and really done what makes you happy and thats very inspiring!

    Like

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