Let me set the scene: in November, I was having one of my usual evenings, struggling with paralyzingly night terrors and hoping I wouldn’t wake up again wanting to kill myself (you know, typical girl stuff) when I told God, “I leave it up to you. You guide me and show me the way out of this.” Something weird happened the next night: I slept. Soundly.
I know something amazing happened and I know it’s because for the first time in my life, I prayed for God’s will. Not my own.
I used to like to believe that I was a badass who was in control of her life but I’m pretty sure my depression and crippling anxiety kind of gave away the fact that control was never apart of the equation. I don’t think in terms of control now but in terms of love, and man, this kind of life is so freeing.
Granted, it’s not always easy. People are way more comfortable when I talk nonsense like stalking Dave Coulier and keying people’s cars because the truth is a scary thing, especially if it’s new for you. But don’t be afraid of it. Don’t be afraid to embrace it and speak it. Because people might think you’ve suddenly fallen off your rocker. But little do they know, you’ve always been free falling in the first place.
And now there’s solid ground beneath my feet and my gaze is towards the sun.