The Lord will open to you his good treasury, the heavens, to give the rain to your land in its season and to bless all the work of your hands.
I think my worst sin is making my past my audience.
I do this thing where I imagine everyone I’ve every known or scorned or who has scorned me is sitting in an auditorium and my daily life makes them laugh a little bit. And really, those people are off living there own lives, failing their own failures or making every dream they ever had come true.
They’re not concerned with the fact that I need a good cut and color. They don’t care I’m battling acne at age thirty-three (I’m winning, however, so there’s that). They don’t care I look into a partly completed manuscript every morning and wonder why I keep doing this to myself. Why I keep writing.
And even in the midst of the self loathing. Of the wishing my thighs were a little smaller, my laugh lines a little shallower, I can feel it. His love.
I’m reading Deuteronomy right now. It seems like it makes no sense at all but really, it makes all the sense in the world. Here’s a people who have failed God. Notoriously so. And here’s a God that refuses to fail them back.
He even gives them a step-by-step playbook on how to stay faithful to Him.
If I were God? I wouldn’t be so kind.
I’d be God after all.
I think it’s funny when we expect things from Him. We’re merely specks of dust and yet we think incredibly highly of ourselves. We deserve things.
But the thing is, I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve the family who loves me and the husband who eases my mind. I don’t deserve to be comfortable and okay and safe when other people all over the world are definitely not these things.
I mean the other day, we were driving through a nearby neighborhood and there’s this woman who’s chilling in her golf cart while her daughters sell girl scout cookies.
I mean. Come on.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty for living for Christ and the most that’s expected of me is to keep the laundry running. There’s so many Christ followers in other countries being tortured right now and having to watch each other be tortured and they’re not wavering.
Because they know the truth.
And I do, too.
And it doesn’t have anything to do with my face or thighs or my right eye that waywardly crinkles whenever I laugh.
It has everything to do with what we can’t see and what most people don’t and will never know.
And I guess my job is to stop looking in the mirror and to start looking to them. To teach them what true freedom is.
But only if I make an effort to find it for myself.
I pray today to stop dwelling on my appearance, on the things I can’t change and to know there’s a very good reason my life is unfolding the way it is. Please remind me to have faith and courage on this path, to not waver on my own, and to remember how good you really are. We hate you, daily. We speak horrific things about you and others, daily. We do everything in our power that would lead any unloving god to permanently wipe us out. But you keep picking us back up, dusting us off. You don’t sugar coat and you don’t snap your fingers and make everything just dandy because if you did, we wouldn’t learn. You are the perfect Father. You gave us exactly what we need when we need it and even draft the plan we simply need to follow. I pray I continue to follow it. And that I love others enough to help show them the way.
TODAY’S READING: Deuteronomy 28-29