He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; He encircled him, He cared for him, He kept him as the apple of his eye.
I’ve been struggling.
Depression is a very real thing in my life that I’ve known since I was sixteen. It’s an old friend, worn around the edges. It lives deep beneath my breastbone and begins to knock when things aren’t okay.
Are they ever okay?
I’m not one of those people who think it’s wrong to doubt God or to question where my feet have been planted.
I’m not one of those people that can feel the heat of joy.
I’m constantly searching for it, putting work into it. Because I don’t wake up happy.
I just wake up.
And I guess there’s a point there. I have a choice about it.
I can continue to bathe in the deep feeling of regret and sadness. I can spend another afternoon, head planted against my make up counter in my bathroom, face hot with a unrelenting stream of “I hate everything about you.”
Isn’t that a funny image? I think sometimes of all the people in line to die for loving Christ so much.
If they could see a thirty-something American woman in her yoga pants ruining her mascara over…well…nothing.
But it doesn’t make it feel any less real. Which is why I think it’s a powerful darkness, one Satan has a hand in.
I can drown in that dark. I have that choice.
Or I can I look up and see to whom I’ve belonged to all along.
Please guide me with your light and give me the power to break free from the dark. Light my path and keep my head and heart sealed from dark influences that roam all around us. Let me hear you, feel you in the hardest moments and set my sights on the things above, the things that are worth living for.
TODAY’S READING: Deuteronomy 32-34