I pray nobody knows.

This is my third attempt.

I first started with a podcast. It’s good for SEO. Maybe people would like the sound of my voice and hypontically end up on my site, books in their checkout basket before knowing what hit them.

Or maybe I’d try YouTube. Throw on a little concelear so all the years I’ve tried and failed would be a little less noticeable under my eyes and give them seventy-two free ways to publish a book.

Or maybe I could write this post and be honest like always even though I hear honesty is never really en vogue.

I don’t know what I’m doing.


I pray to God all the time, but I also have a sick feeling that prayer is only as good as the person who prays it.

I am not good. I am barely so-so.

Scripturally, I know better. But humanly, I don’t. I feel the human edge to all of this, the twenty million ways I can say everything I do is for God and truly believe it, only to realize I’ve made an idol for myself.

I want people to buy my books. And I sometimes feel deep shame in that.

I’m not sure why. It’s a hard puzzle to crack. I’m tired of doing for the sake of doing and pretending that all these little efforts will somehow be the key to success.

But can I even define that? And is it even mine to define?

I guess what I can do is what is most comfortable. That’s to write to nobody and pray that nobody reads these words. That maybe there’s a book I’ve written, a story I’ve told that nobody wants and nobody will buy it and read it and learn a little more about how God calls a human heart and coaxes it out even when it’s lodged so deep within them, the whole world has had a terrible time trying to dig it out.

I pray nobody knows what I’ve been trying to say from the very start.

© 2023 by Ericka Clay


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5 thoughts on “I pray nobody knows.

  1. I feel similar although for a time I had much success with witnessing for Christ, earned three degrees, and became grandmaster of 5 martial arts and used that to help heal peoples’ physical/other issues – some accepted Jesus there as well – not enough. My obstacle is a pretty constant stream of folks who attempt to scam and/or provoke me, but I control an urge to strangle them by calling on Jesus. I pray also that that stream dries up – frustrating! But then I remember that if the world/people were perfect we’d already be in Heaven. I look for glimpses of it in daily life. Praise God!🙏🔆

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, that’s pretty amazing, Patty! I’m sorry to hear that about the scammers. I sometimes think God puts us in situations like that to keep reminding us to have grace. Not that we shouldn’t cut ties with people like that, but that we should still maintain forgiveness in our hearts and remove all bitterness – not easy! But always a reminder of His own patience and love for us. Thanks for reading and chiming in! Blown away about the grandmaster thing – very cool!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you! I appreciate that. A wise friend said it was our job to do the work and the results belong to God. It’s something I have to remind myself of contstantly because the world has us think differently. I appreciate you reaching out and pray your writing flourishes. You’re right, the market may be saturated, but I do know there are readers who do appreciate what we do. I have to keep remembering that!


  3. It’s an uphill battle for sure. The market is entirely saturated, and we are but a drop in the ocean. If you figure it out, let me know. I continue to write because I have stories to tell, whether anyone buys them or not is an entirely different subject. Wanting to sell books is nothing to feel guilty about. God has blessed you with a gift. Keep going. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

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