21 Things I’ll Say When I Die

  1. I cried, too. You just couldn’t see me.
  2. Being brazenly proud of your Internet history should have been a warning flag.
  3. It’s awful that I can only sum up the entire contents of your heart into that moment you pressed a cold wash cloth against my head when my nose wouldn’t stop bleeding.
  4. I used to press my head against your car window, wishing you were anyone but you.
  5. You are my best friend, and I can’t wait to high five your face in heaven.
  6. You should stop talking so much so I don’t have to be sad for everyone’s ears.
  7. You taught me all the worst parts of myself and it only made me see the best in you.
  8. I wanted to be you when I grew up, but only if you would have grown up, too.
  9. I am not evil. You aren’t either. Let’s just leave it at that.
  10. It’s okay. I understand now.
  11. Wishing it away is like swallowing your own tongue.
  12. I stopped writing because the words began to break and fall apart and when I tried to pick one up, it bit my hand and called me a fraud.
  13. You are a whirling dervish on acid.
  14. It wasn’t fair of me. Not a single moment of it.
  15. I never wanted to be you. Not really. I just wanted, just one time, for you to want to be me.
  16. Don’t be me. Don’t ever be me.
  17. Unless you want to. I don’t blame you. I have nice ankles.
  18. But seriously, guard your heart, your loins and every tissuey organ that has the potential to give you grief. And when you do give them away, be prepared to never ask for them back.
  19. I loved you all the most. And perhaps that was my vilest sin.
  20. One more high five, best friend.
  21. Okay. I’m ready.

Water

Narcissus

  

Art

  

Thankful

  

Touch

  

Gram

  

Scratched

  

Three

  
Today, I’m celebrating an anniversary of sorts. Three months since I’ve given my life to Christ and have stopped suffering from a multitude of issues.

Let me set the scene: in November, I was having one of my usual evenings, struggling with paralyzingly night terrors and hoping I wouldn’t wake up again wanting to kill myself (you know, typical girl stuff) when I told God, “I leave it up to you. You guide me and show me the way out of this.” Something weird happened the next night: I slept. Soundly.

I know something amazing happened and I know it’s because for the first time in my life, I prayed for God’s will. Not my own.

I used to like to believe that I was a badass who was in control of her life but I’m pretty sure my depression and crippling anxiety kind of gave away the fact that control was never apart of the equation. I don’t think in terms of control now but in terms of love, and man, this kind of life is so freeing.

Granted, it’s not always easy. People are way more comfortable when I talk nonsense like stalking Dave Coulier and keying people’s cars because the truth is a scary thing, especially if it’s new for you. But don’t be afraid of it. Don’t be afraid to embrace it and speak it. Because people might think you’ve suddenly fallen off your rocker. But little do they know, you’ve always been free falling in the first place.

And now there’s solid ground beneath my feet and my gaze is towards the sun.