21 Gifts You Can Buy Me for Christmas

Elf of the shelf

  1. An elf humping a tiny beer glass of marshmallows. I’m just kidding. I already have two.
  2. A picture of me giving a shit.
  3. Your mom.
  4. A necktie with fifteen cats in various poses. Naughty ones.
  5. My husband’s dignity.
  6. My dignity.
  7. A bra that doesn’t feel like you’re wearing a bra or a bra that DOES feel like you’re wearing bra that can say your name in Chinese. I shall call him Gary.
  8. That one time in middle school when I got my period randomly at that amusement park in front of all my friends. I just feel like I should have enjoyed it more.
  9. Proof that my dog is cheating on me with my husband. It’s not as weird as it sounds. Hahahahahaha. No, it is.
  10. An Eskimo. I want to touch its jacket.
  11. “That part of my heart that’s locked away that has feelings and is supposed to make you a nice person who cares about things,” is what I’d say if I were a pussy.
  12. A bottle of  vodka that’s disguised as a bottle of vodka. #mindexplosion
  13. A flame thrower that fits in my purse.
  14. All those Yankee candles my mother used to buy that my father said he sent to live on his uncle’s farm.
  15. The square root of 1,651. I just broke my brain.
  16. A pair of jeans that doesn’t make my ass look awesome. Good luck!
  17. A tiny hamster that I shall call “Baby Paws” who I shall train to steal snacks from restaurant kitchens when the waiter denies my request for a roasted goat “appateaser.” Take that, Jonathan! No one will love you and your adult braces you wide smiling, appeteaser denying, son of a bitch!
  18. Jonathan’s braces.
  19. A mirror that doesn’t make my face look good. Good luck!
  20. A lock of Gary Busey’s hair or I will flame throw you.
  21. A cat. No wait! Seventy cats.

“It’s going to be a wonderful Christmas and I can’t wait to spend it with everyone I love!” is what I would say if I were a pussy.