Listen, I know I’m really great at a lot of things like wearing shirts and making my neighbor’s dog feel inferior because he can’t walk on two feet like me, a very smart human being (You hear that, Mr. McFluffycakes? Huh? You hear that? I’m the smart one you sickeningly adorable son of a bitch!), but what I’m really great at is parenting.
Parenting is by far the best thing I’ve ever done because 1) I’ve never lost my child.
So there’s that.
But there’s also the fact that she’s developing into a very not scary person proven by the hilarious non-scary things she says. Usually in public:
“Let’s pretend we’re all at a wedding and don’t know each other. Hi! I’m Tilly, I’m six, and I live alone.”
Me: How was the Humane Society presentation at school? Ava: Well, the dog didn’t have any eyes and the cat died so they brought us a bag of fur to pet.
“It smells like eyeballs and helicopters in here.”
Ava: Maybe my new friend can be my boyfriend. Me: Aren’t you a little young to have a boyfriend? Ava: Don’t judge me!!
Me: Ava, guess what! We sold the house! Ava: I know. I made a few emails on my iPad so you’re welcome.
Me: What are you doing? Ava: Watching a video about Dropbox. It’s relaxing.
Me: Why is it you never listen? Ava (with wide “innocent” eyes): Well, because I’m a little girl and little girls just don’t know how to listen.
Me: How did gym camp go? Ava (laughing): Great! Told some guy I was twenty-five!
Me: It’s time to take your bath. Ava: Okay, give me just one second. Me: Nope, it’s time now. Ava (in her best first grade teacher tone): Remember when we talked about patience?
“I’m in charge of the world.”
Ava: What are these? Me: Onions. Ava: Oh, I’m so sorry, but my doctor says I can’t have these.
Ava: Want to play Oprah and Gayle? Me: Sure. Ava: I’m Oprah. Me: Okay, hi Oprah. Ava: Get out of my office Gayle!!
Me: Why are you acting like a crazy person? Ava: Because Jesus made me this way!!!
See? Parenting isn’t hard. You just have to be willing to dress up like the best friend of a multi-billionaire and be screamed at from time to time.
And in the end, just realize Jesus made them that way, so really, it’s all his fault.